Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she smelled like a LAN party
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
