Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
