how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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