i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ugly people sure do ruin things
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So squirting runs in the family.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
