I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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