All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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