I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
