We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
