Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
