Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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