Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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