the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
