Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
