I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
