Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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