Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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