My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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