Pappa wants mamma naked
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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