Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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