my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
