I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
