In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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