When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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