I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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