Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
