You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
