Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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