please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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