Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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