She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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