How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
