I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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