I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
