i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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