Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
