I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
