3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize