The best revenge is premature balding
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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