Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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