My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
