If i come over, it means nothing
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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