how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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