3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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