The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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