if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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