He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize