dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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