I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
