I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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