That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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