Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
