Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
