I faked an abortion last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
