Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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