Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize