Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
