At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
