I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
try to milk me bitch
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