I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
